I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
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