He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
