well you can't waste a boner
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
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