The best revenge is premature balding
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
