I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
why does every cop we meet know your name?
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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