the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
