If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
