So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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