All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
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