I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
