The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
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