Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Randomize
