I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Randomize
