I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Randomize
