Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Randomize
