69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
