: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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