you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
