upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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