She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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