I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
