So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
