I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
