Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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