Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Randomize
