At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
mondays should just be called national damage control day
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Randomize
