rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
