I cannot find my penis.
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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