I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize
