I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
