Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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