I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
