Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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