am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Randomize
