I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
