oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
