I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
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