I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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