so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Randomize
