I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Randomize
