how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Michael Bay diarrhea
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
