What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
