remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
