I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Randomize
