When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
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