I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
