insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
