Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
