there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
