Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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